"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

I wonder if my mom knew that the last words she said to me

would be the last words she said to me.

A big part of me thinks knows that she did.

I wonder if she was frustrated or hurt or content or lonely...

I wonder just how immensely difficult-

how mind blowingly difficult that must have been.

How do you call your 13 year old daughter to you to tell her the last thing you will ever tell her?

How do you know what to say?

I wish I would have taken that moment more seriously.

My tired mom, sitting in her dark room

that's what I saw it as.

"you're beautiful just the way you are"

that's what she told me.

or the gist of what she told me.

I don't remember exactly becuase 

I felt uncomfortable that she was saying this.

I wanted to get out of that room and wait for her to be better.

"I love you too, Mom"

That's what I told her.

But it was just a regular "I love you."

It wasn't bursting with the love I felt for her. 

It didn't even begin to say how I really, deeply felt about her. 

And the few hours after that

When she fell into her coma

I hope, I pray that she heard me speaking.

It was only a few hours later but I was so different 

I had grown years in those hours.

All I wanted was for her to hold me-

Instead I held her.

All I wanted was for her to stroke my face and tell me everything was going to be okay.

That I didn't need to be afraid.

That everything would be... okay-

Instead, those were the words I whispered in her ear as I cuddled her small, frail body.

I hope she heard me say that I was sorry.

That I love her.

That she was the best mom I could have ever had.

I hope that the tear, 

that single tear I witnessed 

fall from her right eye the moment she took her last breath 

was not of pain.

I hope it was her way of telling me she did hear

and that she didn't want to leave, but she had to.

I hope she knows that that tear has stayed with me

Meant more to me

Spoken louder

Than anything else she had said before.

She loved me until the very end.

Some things don't need words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"'If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look at the stars. He can say to himself, 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened... And you think that is not important!'
He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing.




The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment now was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:'The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will--'
I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more.
It is such a secret place, the land of tears.' "

                                                        -Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince